Debra Capps

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Waiting

Relationships are messy, complicated, amazing, torturous, and all sorts of other wildly descriptive words. I'm an actor... I live for the messy, complicated, and amazing interactions and emotions between two people. It's the reason I like to act. I am undoubtedly addicted to the intricacies of human involvement. You can never fully understand those bonds, but I absolutely love the process of looking into it. It's really like detective work. Which is funny... since when I was younger, I was certain I wanted to be a P.I. =)

I've found that the beginnings of relationships -- romantic, sexual, friendly, whatever --are very exciting. Full of potential and the unknown. The greatest is possible, the worst hasn't happened. I love those moments. I love the discovery of someone new, a great friend in the making, or the chance to fall in love, or finding a mentor that changes your whole view of the world!

Even the end of things is interesting. You can learn so much about yourself and life. And it eventually leads to a rebirth -- if you let it be.

You know what part of all of this isn't any fun or interesting or anything? The in-between. The moments that we sit around and know that more is out there, for us, for everyone... but the "more out there" hasn't happened upon us yet. It's the moment when loneliness is the most... lonely. It's the time we get to understand what has happened to us... to figure out who we are after the beginning and after the end.

But, its a different kind of torture. We all know that there is a new adventure waiting around the corner. We just have to wait it out. But the waiting? Its just not fun. Or any other wildly descriptive word.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dating 201

5 years ago, I fell in love. I fell in love in the way you do when you are young, when you have rarely been hurt, and when you have a large pair of rose colored glasses on that fit you very well. Life happened. I got married and divorced. And now, I find myself in a situation I never thought I'd be in -- I have to date again.

Soon after my divorce, I got involved in a relationship that was pretty serious. I enjoyed it. It made me hopeful again. I thought, this is going to fine. See? When life closes a door, it opens a window! I'm fine! I'll be great! Well... life happened. And that relationship ended and left me sad. I suddenly realized I hadn't given myself time to recover from the first love of my life, my ex-husband, and then in the midst of that recovery, I gave all the rest of myself to someone who shouldn't have been trusted with it. (I do have to admit, it wasn't his fault. It was my own for still wanting to be the girl with the rose-colored glasses. Instead of accepting what I had learned in the last year.)

After all of this, I had one of numerous conversations with my mother. I told her that from now on... if someone wasn't a person I could imagine myself with for the future, then I wasn't going to waste my time. My reasoning? If you waste your time with the wrong one, you aren't available for the right one. This seemed like such a great idea... so mature. So reasonable. So responsible. And I think I didn't want to feel that I'd lost my chance at a partnership.

If only life were that simple. When you first meet someone, you never know if they are the "right" person. And what does that even mean? Isn't it possible for someone to be the "right" person for the moment, but not the person you will spend your life with? And then there's my feelings on marriage... I really see no reason to get married again, unless I decide to have children. So... I'm not even looking for a husband. Where does that leave me? What am I looking for? How do you date when you aren't even sure what you are looking for? Is it okay to be a 30 year old that goes blindly into romantic connections? Is this some sort of sign that I haven't healed?

And then there's this fear that I'm not going to fall in love again. That I'll never feel that way about someone again... love someone that much, enjoy someone that much, feel so connected. And then there's the fear that I will... and that I'll hurt this much again. Some days, I feel brave. I think, dive in, be yourself, you are a woman that loves life. So open yourself up, if you get hurt, at least you took the risk. At least you gave it all you had! Then, I'll be turning down the road to my home and I'll feel a pain in my stomach... and loneliness... a memory of all the tears I've shed over the last years, and the feeling of loss. In those moments? I don't feel so brave.

I know I'm not the only one who's loved and lost. And I'm sure we all have our moments of feeling bold, attractive, and excited... and then our times of feeling scared, broken, and confused. I'm not the only one who has lost a bit of faith in people. I'm not the only person who's come to a crossroad in life. But, I am the only person who decides which path I take from this point on. And right now, I think I'm looking at all the roads I can travel... and carefully considering.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Love is Like A Butterfly

This is an older Dolly Parton song that I have the privilege of singing in Country Queens. Everyone in the show can tell you that even though the song is gorgeous, I've made relentless fun of this song. It's just so darn romantic and perky. But, while I'm not sure this song is about a love that's been going on for years... I do have to admit that infatuation can bring some butterflies. Isn't that a fun part of beginnings? The nervous anticipation? =)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Country Music Inspiration

Since I've been singing Country Queens music for the last few months... I've been a little more glued to those country radio stations.

Martina McBride (what a voice) has a single out "I Just Call You Mine." Just makes me hopeful that we can all feel the way this song describes...

I want to find someone like that... who also feels that way about me.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Blonde Acceptance

Being a blonde is a little like being tall -- it can be great and it can be awkward. We always want what we don't have... so I am always looking at the exotic beauty of Catherine Zeta-Jones, or my icon, Audrey Hepburn, or the pure sexiness of Elizabeth Taylor and wishing I had dark hair, striking features, and that dash of mystery that comes with it! But, alas, I'm really truly blonde. Its part of my whole identity. Strangely enough, I may wish for something different, but I honestly can't imagine myself anything but a blonde. In fact, its so much of my image that I am literally compared to EVERY blonde out there... not just famous ones, the blonde aunt or grandkid, or friend, or cousin. =) So... in the spirit of loving what you got... here are some of my favorite blondes in all their golden beauty!